Chapter: Silent Screams

Who do I call when I get a good grade? Who do I call when my dog does something funny? Who do I call to talk to about my day and all the craziness I come across on the train? Who do I call to just converse about life? My fears, my ambitions, my feelings. Who do I call if the only person I want to talk to is you. No one, you shut the door in my face. Out of no where. All these statements and claims with nothing to support them, nothing to help me understand. I end up explaining the course of a conversation and then you change your premise to something else. How on earth am I to keep up and understand if you won't let me? I am confused beyond belief. When I try to speak to you about how I feel you give me an article to read...I'm asking to speak to you, not to google. It's like my mind is caught up in some whirlwind. I don't know what to do, if I'm wanted, if I'm boring, if you care. I do and what's the point of anything. I try not to offend, I try not to cry, I try not to say the wrong thing, but I am imperfect. Stone me for goodness sake. I don't know what to say anymore, but yet I still yearn the sound of your voice. I'm so blatantly shut out and I still yearn the warmth of your arms even if your embrace is cold. Am I a fool if you matter to me? Am I oblivious or am I supposed to just know everything you feel?

I don't know anything anymore, all I know is I want to talk to you.
Unfortunately there is no longer anything to talk about.

Chapter: Down

I feel like I'm funneling into some kind of depression. Things feel so lonely.

Chapter: Same Story

Swept off my feet by a breeze of nostalgia,
Memories of once was, but truthfully never was.
The music sends melodies dancing through my mind of the swaying,
Of the dancing, jumping and flying.
Of the No Other Love.
Of what once was, but truthfully never was.
Enamored by so many films and stories convincing us it's ok,
Love is crazy, wild and untamed.
To expect the unexpected,
But surprises get old.
Especially the unpleasant kind that leave a scars where they once placed bandages.
The discomfort, the mistrust, the questions, intuitions, omissions, they come and go.
They come and GO.
So GO.
But no.
Not here, not today, tomorrow or ever.

Chapter: The Nerve

When something goes on for so long you don't realize the real effect is has on you. How you've changed as a person or how your surroundings have changed. Or why it is you let it continue to happen. I think I lost part of my sanity when I made a decision nearly 3 years ago. I was sound on what I had to do and I went to do it, and I got reeled back in. I got manipulated, lied to, betrayed and convinced that it was still ok, that it was normal. And now I'm painted as something that I am not. Shouldn't we know ourselves more than anyone else? So why does it effect us so much when someone is saying something false about you and feeding off that? Because it's untrue. Simple.

It's not right to live like this. Like you're some kind of culprit. Called things you're not and having someone expect things from you that would never in the existence of this or any other universe happen. The fact that they so truly expect that from you. Of course you'd lose part of your sanity.

What's worse is when they accuse you of something they are doing at that very moment and try to flip everything on you, when in reality you're the one getting screwed over. Repeatedly.

So what's the reasoning behind all this? Why do we allow others to say things that make us feel like dirt and continue to give them perpetual permission to do so? Usually I ask rhetorical questions, but I really wish I knew of an answer.

Chapter: I'm Alive

WOAH it's been a while since I've written anything here that I actually consider a post. Not that some of my posts aren't posts, but I feel like lately a lot of them symbolize updates. I got lazy, lost my mojo, but behold! I'm back!

So what's going on world??

I still ask questions, although they're probably all rhetoric considering I never really get a response. But oh well, the hope never dies. I did get a response this one time from a so-called "anonymous" person that left a comment bold enough to be called an essay. I appreciated how he gave wave and shared his opinion. (lol)

But we digress. School has been...school. More positive, than negative, more proactive than quiescent. Getting more involved, diving into my field more and generally getting my feet wet in what we call the real world, even if I can only swim to save my life. I'm learning. Slowly, but surely.

The lover is my beloved. As always. =)

I came into this post with buckets of enthusiasm and inspiration, but now I'm kind of in a stupor. I don't know what else to say. Maybe the fact that I need to find a way to organize this eight page paper on the Social Trinity and Buddhism and comparative theology to make sense for anyone else who reads is distracting me.

Yeah, I think it's that.

With that said, ciao.

Chapter: It's Time

I feel like doing something I never pictured myself doing. That's where I am right now. Is it normal? Is it healthy? Idk. I just feel like it's right. What am I doing here anyways...nothing.

Chapter: Chronic

It's a battle no one sees or feels, but me. Feels like it only getting worse. Been with it for ten years, I'm sure I can endure the rest of my life.

Chapter: ...

Dumbfounded.

Chapter: < 2161014

Your smile makes any issues I may have seem insignificant,

Your eyes assure me anything can be,

Your love drowns my despair with kisses,

And your hugs, sigh, they cure me of any ailment, my remedy.

I may not be able to give you the world, but I'll give you all that I can,

My love for you is immeasurable, immense and infinite,

Enough for our Vespo Hotel, in our Vespian land.

I love you,

I love you,

I love you.

Happy Birthday Mi Amor <3

(We about dat life)

Chapter: -

I'm this person to you, feels like you'll always look at me like that.