Chapter: Until Then

I wake up every night at 4.05am gasping for reassurance and reaching for reality. These dreams are so real and have my mind split between what is, what might and what will be. The uncertainty is unsettling, I'm sinking with each step I take. Is this the right thing to choose? The right place to be, at the palm of someone's hand, giving them clarity? While you're constantly at threat of another. Always. Forever, the line will be blurred. Your desires step over the morals and selfishly get what they want. While the I'm the only one going through emotional collateral. My soul feels so wounded, battered and weak. I shouldn't posit love when it's rarely returned to me. When deceit is what I get instead. Your words keep playing over in my head, all of them, each with different intentions. I'm left swirling on a marry go round, with the illusion of movement and progression.

Chapter: Under Construction

Everything is off. Every single little thing is out of sync. What was, no longer is and I'm left with an unrequited emotion that haunts me. Time is the remedy. Of course it bothers me you don't care. I know anything I feel is irrelevant to you. I was an idiot to ever think otherwise. Of course you do good now. You're on point now. You can see clearly now. But you don't see the effects you leave on other people. You directly effected me. Continuously when you thought I shouldn't care. Not like you. You wrecked havoc. Complete havoc and then you leave to make yourself better. Cool. Whatever casualties occurred aren't your problem. Should have always kept that wall up. Didn't know what it was there for, but it was there for a reason. I get it now. I can't help but feel resent. Not like you care. Words I say are just blown away by the wind. With no record of ever being there. If only time passed faster so all these feelings could just die and be gone. I hate them.

Chapter: Message Read

When the fear of a threat inhibits you from saying what you may feel, it's not right. If what you do is seen as wrong and detrimental to the other, although it makes sense to you, its not right. If they're so quick to mention it, that means you've always been an option. But in reality isn't that what we are? What keeps you with that person, what is holding you to them? It seems so scary to change what has been in your life for so long, but I guess thats what happens when clashing is routine. Its almost like I can't write. I can't say what I really feel. Theres a lack of understanding in the connection there is or was if what I do makes you change your mind so quickly. I don't think we ever do things to intentionally harm the other, we are just ourselves. The person we are. You do things that seems fitting to you, and I ask. It's not my intention to destroy everything. It's my intention to understand so I can leave it alone. But I guess I'm also guilty of not listening. So the matter lies in the air.

I don't like threats, the yelling and the shunning. But I get it. Messaged received.

Chapter: Traced on My Palm

Perhaps I'm scarred with all the twisted attempts towards your happiness I made when you shattered mine.
Perhaps I'm not aware that your actions, affected mine permanently time after time.
Perhaps I've grown cold, so cold that it feels warm.
Like I'm standing in a hurricane completely unaware of the storm.
Perhaps this is temporary, a phase I'll pass through soon,
But maybe it's necessary, since you barely remember the picnic on the moon.
You say so many things, the truth stings so why does this tickle?
Perhaps it makes me laugh that you really think my feelings are fickle.
What is it that you expect from me? To be a stone, a boulder you won't move?
To be still at your words and actions, to just stand by and approve?
This is news.
Perhaps we can't communicate,
Perhaps we don't understand.
Or is it I just miss the words you wrote once on the palm of my hand?

Chapter: Not A Single Clue

What kind of a bond is it if you can't be real without being put down,
Like I don't have a right to speak, to cry to make any sound.
I knew in the beginning, but you hushed my inhibitions,
Leading me to a world where your embrace is my addiction.
If I even state the word, raise the thought or imply the action,
The withdrawals start imediately and I'm led to my retraction.
Is this right?
Not feeling special, called needy, not an ounce of care at the sight of a tear.
I'm "emotionally attached", excuse me for being human.
My simple requests are burdens to you and you believe their completion
would suffice my happiness. That you do oh so much for me.
You've made progress, we've made progress,
but the nightmares come and go.
The trust is back, but the fear is instilled,
Hope for the best and ignore all the woe.
I can't even write poetry, it's like it's all dead.
Emotions stirring violently while I lay down on my bed,
but there they stay, plain, dry, quiet and grey,
Unarticulated thoughts tainted with dismay.
What is this?
I want to run, scream, shout and kill,
Implant misery to those who hurt me.
But what's the point.
It happened,
It'll always lie in the past,
holding my present captive and my future as a pathetic hostage.
What has become of me?

Chapter: Silent Screams

Who do I call when I get a good grade? Who do I call when my dog does something funny? Who do I call to talk to about my day and all the craziness I come across on the train? Who do I call to just converse about life? My fears, my ambitions, my feelings. Who do I call if the only person I want to talk to is you. No one, you shut the door in my face. Out of no where. All these statements and claims with nothing to support them, nothing to help me understand. I end up explaining the course of a conversation and then you change your premise to something else. How on earth am I to keep up and understand if you won't let me? I am confused beyond belief. When I try to speak to you about how I feel you give me an article to read...I'm asking to speak to you, not to google. It's like my mind is caught up in some whirlwind. I don't know what to do, if I'm wanted, if I'm boring, if you care. I do and what's the point of anything. I try not to offend, I try not to cry, I try not to say the wrong thing, but I am imperfect. Stone me for goodness sake. I don't know what to say anymore, but yet I still yearn the sound of your voice. I'm so blatantly shut out and I still yearn the warmth of your arms even if your embrace is cold. Am I a fool if you matter to me? Am I oblivious or am I supposed to just know everything you feel?

I don't know anything anymore, all I know is I want to talk to you.
Unfortunately there is no longer anything to talk about.

Chapter: Same Story

Swept off my feet by a breeze of nostalgia,
Memories of once was, but truthfully never was.
The music sends melodies dancing through my mind of the swaying,
Of the dancing, jumping and flying.
Of the No Other Love.
Of what once was, but truthfully never was.
Enamored by so many films and stories convincing us it's ok,
Love is crazy, wild and untamed.
To expect the unexpected,
But surprises get old.
Especially the unpleasant kind that leave a scars where they once placed bandages.
The discomfort, the mistrust, the questions, intuitions, omissions, they come and go.
They come and GO.
So GO.
But no.
Not here, not today, tomorrow or ever.

Chapter: I'm Alive

WOAH it's been a while since I've written anything here that I actually consider a post. Not that some of my posts aren't posts, but I feel like lately a lot of them symbolize updates. I got lazy, lost my mojo, but behold! I'm back!

So what's going on world??

I still ask questions, although they're probably all rhetoric considering I never really get a response. But oh well, the hope never dies. I did get a response this one time from a so-called "anonymous" person that left a comment bold enough to be called an essay. I appreciated how he gave wave and shared his opinion. (lol)

But we digress. School has been...school. More positive, than negative, more proactive than quiescent. Getting more involved, diving into my field more and generally getting my feet wet in what we call the real world, even if I can only swim to save my life. I'm learning. Slowly, but surely.

The lover is my beloved. As always. =)

I came into this post with buckets of enthusiasm and inspiration, but now I'm kind of in a stupor. I don't know what else to say. Maybe the fact that I need to find a way to organize this eight page paper on the Social Trinity and Buddhism and comparative theology to make sense for anyone else who reads is distracting me.

Yeah, I think it's that.

With that said, ciao.

Chapter: < 2161014

Your smile makes any issues I may have seem insignificant,

Your eyes assure me anything can be,

Your love drowns my despair with kisses,

And your hugs, sigh, they cure me of any ailment, my remedy.

I may not be able to give you the world, but I'll give you all that I can,

My love for you is immeasurable, immense and infinite,

Enough for our Vespo Hotel, in our Vespian land.

I love you,

I love you,

I love you.

Happy Birthday Mi Amor <3

(We about dat life)

Chapter: Hello, It's Me Again

You're right,
your ancient actions are pictures and can be burned,
so I am burning them.
Burning along with the demons that kept them alive.
I seek for our unity and that is what I have found,
been found for a while, but now I am putting it into words.
I will never leave you.
Your tears and disparity showed so much,
showed what you have been trying to show for so long,
and I couldn't see it clearly because I was scared, but now there is no fear.
I have my trust in you, I have my faith in you,
your savior will never leave your side.
I will keep those demons from creeping into your mind,
just how I have made them vanish from mine.
Eternity isn't a measure for our time,
so let's be pure again,
Hello, it's me…
I don't want to see you struggle with memories of hurt.
My love will make them obsolete.
Believe in me.
All I see is you, me, us, we,
So much clarity.
I wish you could truly feel it and see it, do you?
I do.
So let's sway, forever and all the days.
Because it's me again, and I love you.

Chapter: I'm Still Adam

A connection that was tested, but prevailed.

A myth reminiscent of a legend, something like a fairy tale, but true.

I think of you and joy fills my being, but tears shadow the feeling,

for the pain, the hurt that I've caused you.

How do I do this?

How do I show you what I mean, feel, see, am?

You told me "Madam I'm still Adam" and I stood there staring,

asking if it were true.

How could I let that doubt consume me and not be able to reach out to you?

And now you see me and you don't see…me.

You see everything, but the truth.

It pains because that's all I speak to you.

What do I do?

I want to travel the galaxies and swim through the Milky Way,

Discover other universes with you and..sigh.

If only you could step in my shoes and I into yours,

So then we could truly understand to the entire extent of understanding.

I don't know if it makes sense, but I'm just wondering…

What am I to you?

I love you, I hope you truly still love me too.

Chapter: Vespian Stardust

I always wondered why I would always hold on,
I always wondered why the connection was so strong,
It's a celestial creation, created from something beyond heaven.
It feels so real. (lol)
Separated from everything, we are one,
Looking down upon all that goes on,
The stresses don't amount, they don't exist,
They vanish with your presence,
With your voice all there is, is bliss.
A galactic alignment of 2 souls merged as one,
A masterpiece originated from stardust.
And we sway among the galaxies, stopping by the moon,
Sit and speak of dreams and fantasies, that we'll fulfill so soon.
Telepathic connection, the power of a glance,
The protection of your embrace, the security of holding your hands.
The depth of your eyes as you lock with mine,
Forever is an understatement to measure our time.
Vespian encounter started our vespian ways,
Vespian zest to all our vespian days.
<3

Chapter: Clarity

Tested times created horrible crimes,
Vulnerability and manipulative, so they entered my mind.
I only wish I could go back and rewind,
And see your genuineness, see your only supposed to be mine.
See it's only us, see it's only right.
Does it matter at all that now I see?
Now I know how it's supposed to be?
Lifelong forever, Penelope.
Vespian trials, please believe in me.

Chapter: Pray With Me

So I sit here now praying.
Praying to God to clear up the skies, to enter our minds.
I'm praying you'll see you're my only hope.
Praying you'll see my honesty.
I ask God for forgiveness, but how can I do that when I can't even forgive myself?
I know what I want, and I know what'll it'll take to get there.
I won't give up though.
I'll accept everything you say, everything you feel, it's only deserved.
A wrong can't go on without being payed for.
So I'm paying, and I'll pay for an eternity if I must.
I ask God for your trust.
I promise, I won't give up.

Chapter: Vespian Zest

I feel something new, different, exhilarating and comforting. Like the feeling you get when you step in the sunlight after being in the cold air for too long. I feel something growing from this nostalgia, coming back to life better said. Patience nourished the soil it dwelled in as trickles of endearment and intimacy fed it's roots enough to have it bloom, passionately revealing petals of compassion and understanding. The wind whispered wisdoms to keep thoughts moving, forward, hopeful… And it swayed, swayed to the music the fluttering butterflies created as your presence ignited a spark. A spark that brought light to a place where light was obsolete. Unexpected, but surprisingly welcome. Eyes squinted, but adjusted. Now it feeds sunlight to a meadow flourishing with life by an ever flowing stream of tenderness and ardor. Cosmic encounter, galactic alignment, once in a lifetime, vespo.

Chapter: Now Because of Then

The pain chases me as I finalize my decision, even though it’s already been keeping me company. Scared to jump again I recoil into my shell. Bruised and aching from the last time I fell. Haunted by the nightmares, yearning a peaceful dream. I have all of it stored, bursting at the seams, but what do I do? I want, but I don’t want to want. I need, but I don’t want to need. I love, but I don’t want to love. The past lies in the past, but creeps into my present. Even if it’s not happening, despite its irrelevance. The statement makes it simple, but the action leaves me crippled. Kept away, far way, where no wave can come from a ripple. But what are you left with in the end? A friend?..

Chapter: Vespian Ventures

Rollercoaster of love,
2 years after the push came to shove,
After I chose to jump and take that leap,
While you promised to hold my hand and stay with me.
We flew.
Through the planets and the stars,
Swaying hand in hand healing from past scars.
The meteors came and crashed our journey,
Separating the vehicle because it only seemed deserving,
But mended it became when the attraction unified the parts,
Although cracks still remained in that open wound of a heart.
The wonders never leave and the hauntings stay and linger,
But in-between the nightmares I sometimes dream of a ring on my finger.
"If love is suicide, then lead me to my demise"
I died, but the culprit somehow brought me back to life.
The love adhered our souls, torn and healed,
Words can't describe, just look into our eyes to feel.
New beginning and eternal love,
The invincible kind I know we both dream of.
That's us.

Chapter: Breathe

Edward Shapre & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

Chapter: Travelocity

No shine, no touch, no affection.

When’s the last time your thoughts traveled in my direction, and took another step to inquire. To see behind the light that’s produced from this fire. Can’t remember huh? Whereas I visit you as soon as I open my eyes and close them to sleep, along with all the time that lies inbetween. When I speak about issues stressing me, why must you be harsh, to “strengthen me”. The obvious remedy that I seek from thee is a hug, simple act of affection, but instead I get an attitude annoyed by so much, not looking to give me that attention. What is going on? Communication is supposed to keep it strong, but talking is a nuisance now. I want to make things better, but every move is a detonator, so how? What is going on?

Chapter: Big Butt and A Smile

I've noticed something lately. A lot of people tend to be attracted to other people not for the person they are, but rather a collection of their parts. I know it sounds wordy, but hear me out. How many guys do you know love a big "ass"? Or a full rack? Thick thighs? Brunettes? Redheads? Long legs? How many of you love a nice six pack? Muscles? Cute faces? I personally feel like it falls heavier for guys. Too many times have I heard guys say things like "I love big asses," or "I love girls who cook," I have nothing against their interests, but they affect women by saying such things. Some girls, if not the majority, then begin to adjust themselves in order to appear attractive, but they work in parts.

Guys say they like like big butts, so some girls want to have big butts. Some guys like big breasts, so some women get breast enhancements. There are guys that like a girl simply for her bodily assets. For example, Amber Rose. She's known for her buzz cut head, big ass and breasts (and of course for dating Kanye West, but that's irrelevant). Guys find her attractive because they like her figure, mostly her ass. As well as Kim Kardashian, guys love her butt. The fact that they often blatantly point out what they like makes women sometimes see themselves differently. They begin asserting themselves in portions. They say things like, "I love my legs, but I hate my butt."

See me? They develop a fragmented sense of self that divides the person they are. They become obsessed with perfecting parts of their bodies and forget what these parts create collectively. Don't run just because it makes your legs look better, run because it's good exercise. If you want to work on parts of your body sure, but don't let it make you forget about your entirety.

It just kind of sort of irks me when I hear people say things like "I love tits and asses." Ok? So does that mean you'd want to date that and forget everything else it's attached to?

We have all done it at least once. Whenever we're asked what do you like in the opposite sex or in a partner. "Tall, dark and handsome", "Smart, fit and funny", "Shorter than me, nice body and can cook". We point out things we're attracted to or that we'd like. It's obvious we won't find the "perfect" one, but it's even more obvious that there is no such thing. Like someone for who they are as a whole, not just their body or their sense of humor, but the person they are. Cliché, I don't care.

I hope you could all catch on to the fact that I mean this in a mental perspective/ figurative manner. It was probably redundant to say any of this because it most likely won't change anything, but oh well. It's a blog.