Chapter: Late Nights

When I find I can't effectively explain myself or an idea, I've noticed I ask a lot of questions instead of making statements or assertions. I try to recreate the train of thought I traveled on to reach my conclusion for the listener so that they understand what I mean to say, without me really saying it. By answering the questions themselves, they sort of are molding whatever it is I'm imagining. I guess I'd rather have them arrive there on their own.

I know it sounds confusing. Or maybe it makes perfect sense to you. It's these late night reflections at 2:46am that really help you get to know yourself.

Chapter: I'm Too Frustrated to Name This Post

I don't have many issues, if any. Those I do have are generally kept under control. Still, I manage to feel like utter worthless crap somedays strictly out of the blue. Maybe it's not so random seeing as I've educated myself enough to know that any kind of happiness or pleasure is from an over casted plague of complacency we are all victims to. Sounds rough, but is there really any other way to put it? What's the point of sugar coating anything nowadays? It's as if we are asking to be kept under this veil of ignorance. Sure, ignorance is bliss, without any doubt, but is it a blissful feeling realizing we are all mindless drones being pushed through some sort of system under the illusion of free will? It's unsettling when we fully comprehend it. Why is it so hard to succeed? Better yet, why is it so much easier to sit down and watch a movie, rather than focus that attention towards something I don't know productive, fulfilling. I could go on to mention my disdain towards people after reading several posts on Facebook and twitter, but then I would have to call myself a hypocrite. I find myself stuck deep inside some funk that has got me tied down by every hair on my body. Or at least it feels that way. I feel lazy and distracted to do what I love. I step outside of my body and try to witness myself from a different perspective, and I think that is what has me in this bitter mood. I'm under a content facade that living like this is ok. But when I go to correct myself, the most random weight sits itself on my body and it's as if I am physically incapable to do something. At all. So I lay on my bed falling right back into a hole of expediency.

So here I am. Typing and still not doing. I could say a lot more, but I won't.

Chapter: Traced on My Palm

Perhaps I'm scarred with all the twisted attempts towards your happiness I made when you shattered mine.
Perhaps I'm not aware that your actions, affected mine permanently time after time.
Perhaps I've grown cold, so cold that it feels warm.
Like I'm standing in a hurricane completely unaware of the storm.
Perhaps this is temporary, a phase I'll pass through soon,
But maybe it's necessary, since you barely remember the picnic on the moon.
You say so many things, the truth stings so why does this tickle?
Perhaps it makes me laugh that you really think my feelings are fickle.
What is it that you expect from me? To be a stone, a boulder you won't move?
To be still at your words and actions, to just stand by and approve?
This is news.
Perhaps we can't communicate,
Perhaps we don't understand.
Or is it I just miss the words you wrote once on the palm of my hand?

Chapter: Not A Single Clue

What kind of a bond is it if you can't be real without being put down,
Like I don't have a right to speak, to cry to make any sound.
I knew in the beginning, but you hushed my inhibitions,
Leading me to a world where your embrace is my addiction.
If I even state the word, raise the thought or imply the action,
The withdrawals start imediately and I'm led to my retraction.
Is this right?
Not feeling special, called needy, not an ounce of care at the sight of a tear.
I'm "emotionally attached", excuse me for being human.
My simple requests are burdens to you and you believe their completion
would suffice my happiness. That you do oh so much for me.
You've made progress, we've made progress,
but the nightmares come and go.
The trust is back, but the fear is instilled,
Hope for the best and ignore all the woe.
I can't even write poetry, it's like it's all dead.
Emotions stirring violently while I lay down on my bed,
but there they stay, plain, dry, quiet and grey,
Unarticulated thoughts tainted with dismay.
What is this?
I want to run, scream, shout and kill,
Implant misery to those who hurt me.
But what's the point.
It happened,
It'll always lie in the past,
holding my present captive and my future as a pathetic hostage.
What has become of me?

Chapter: Subject to Failure

Everything is this country is marred with fiscal issues. We are brainwashed with the amount of stuff we have and the more we want it. We're used to buying and owning, continually raising the bar.

Is it me or does money seem to thwart dreams and ambitions, and make people full of potential settle for the stability of a bi-weekly paycheck? Selling their time to businesses and corporations instead developing their minds, abilities and talents. NewsWeek did a recent study on the top 13 most useless majors and of course Fine Arts was listed as number one. Big Surprise. They based it off of unemployment rates, earnings and projected growth within the next decade. Realistically, in this day and age those things are "needed" in order to "succeed". That's where the mind boggling happens for me. How is it we've evolved into a nation that relies on it's monetary system to determine stature and success? It isn't even the nation's monetary system, it's the Federal Reserve's, (but that's another issue.. I won't go all political science-y on you.)
Now let's return to the "useless majors". Art critic Blake Gopnik responded to the list with

After all, who’s more important today, Rembrandt or the people who bought his art? Monet or the people who bought his? Van Gogh or the rich idiots who FAILED to buy what he made? Useless is as useless does, I say, and it seems pretty clear to me that, across history, many of the people who made the biggest difference had training in the most useless professions. (Aristotle, anyone?) 

I think it's safe to say most of us can agree with that comment. Or at least I'd hope so. If we didn't have people studying philosophy, where would these new thoughts and theories come from, and what about? Drama and theatre arts or film, video and photographic arts? Really? What movies would we be watching or what shows would make us laugh? (I understand you don't need to major in these areas, but let's think of it as simply it being your passion.) And finally the one that really hit home, fine arts. Anyone who decides to major in art is obviously taking a risk. Personally, every time I tell someone what I study at school I get the casual fake smile that really says "God be with you". To get that all the time is kind of discouraging, but then to read it's the #1 most useless major was just offensive. 

(It was discouraging too, I was depressed for about 2-3 days, but I'm over it.) What Gopnik says is true, if we don't have people studying all these different fields, we'll lose the diversity this nation is known for and we'll all be a bunch of mindless drones running through the system. I don't understand how people don't see it, but the world will MOST DEFINITELY not be a better place when people have more money. We all fall into that trap. "If only I had more money, then I could do..." yada yada yada. Truth is, we need to want less and value what's important more. 

What is happening is like a mind-blowing interrelated domino effect. Personally, I believe it begins the second we are afraid to fail. What was the list based on? Unemployment rates, earnings and projected growth. All the things we somehow believe calculate our chances of succeeding. If we don't achieve a stable job with a solid income, we are failures. Edwin Land once said, "An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail." If we get this stability, we won't want to risk it for the fear of failing and losing what we have. If we do not push ourselves to take risks, our creativity dies. This thought has been embedded in us since school. Schools are constantly killing creativity and limiting their students. The curriculums are biased, the teachers are not great, and the teachers that are great aren't rewarded. Not enough focus is placed on public education. The one of single most important things! Educating the youth! But I digress. In high school we are told to be doctors, be lawyers, be whatever brings home the bread. But why? So we have a surplus of bread? Doesn't bread expire? At some point it'll be useless, no? That's my thought progress at least.

We'd all have cancer if it weren't for doctors.

I understand there are people who are truly passionate and talented at what they do. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, nurses, computer scientists and business people. My only issue is placing the importance solely on those who make the most money. A perfect example of this, (in no way am I comparing them to doctors and such) are reality TV stars. What is it exactly that they do? Entertain sure, but what else? What do they contribute to the positive progress of the world? You tell me.

But anyways, I wrote this because I was frustrated with money. Not being able to get a job, which doesn't help me get a studio space, or materials, or a car to get to a job. I just feel like it's creeping up on me and impeding my progress. I'll find a loophole, eventually. I hope. But in the end, "the grass is greener where you water it."

Chapter: I'm Alive

WOAH it's been a while since I've written anything here that I actually consider a post. Not that some of my posts aren't posts, but I feel like lately a lot of them symbolize updates. I got lazy, lost my mojo, but behold! I'm back!

So what's going on world??

I still ask questions, although they're probably all rhetoric considering I never really get a response. But oh well, the hope never dies. I did get a response this one time from a so-called "anonymous" person that left a comment bold enough to be called an essay. I appreciated how he gave wave and shared his opinion. (lol)

But we digress. School has been...school. More positive, than negative, more proactive than quiescent. Getting more involved, diving into my field more and generally getting my feet wet in what we call the real world, even if I can only swim to save my life. I'm learning. Slowly, but surely.

The lover is my beloved. As always. =)

I came into this post with buckets of enthusiasm and inspiration, but now I'm kind of in a stupor. I don't know what else to say. Maybe the fact that I need to find a way to organize this eight page paper on the Social Trinity and Buddhism and comparative theology to make sense for anyone else who reads is distracting me.

Yeah, I think it's that.

With that said, ciao.

Chapter: Depth

‎"Mind can be compared to an ocean, and momentary mental events such as happiness, irritation, fantasies, and boredom to the waves that rise and fall on its surface. Just as the waves can subside to reveal the stillness of the ocean’s depths, so too is it possible to calm the turbulence of our mind to reveal its natural pristine clarity." - Kathleen McDonald

Chapter: (࿖) or (࿕)

This has probably been thought of before and maybe I have casually come across it, but never really processed it's meaning, but I think I just had an epiphany. Or revelation. I don't know. But here goes.

Why do we cling so strongly to definitions we have of certain things? Or why do we commit to certain interpretations. Then again we don't, because we wouldn't have interpretations in that case, but rather just one explanation. Hm. My point is, why must one symbol mean something and only something in that general realm of reason. Everything that is has the potential to be dynamic. It's happened before. The Swastika for example, has been used in many ancient civilizations. In Indian religions it is a tantric symbol used to evoke "shakti" the sacred symbol for good luck. At the same time it's a Chinese character used in East Asia representing eternity and Bhuddism. In that case, we associate it to be something good. The right facing counter clockwise version of the Swastika (࿕). Then we have the left facing counter clockwise adaptation (࿖) that's linked to the Nazi Party of Germany in the 1920's whom adopted it as their symbol. And hence the Swastika became thoroughly correlated to Nazism and white supremacism. So now we see anything similar to the fashion of that symbol and we think evil, Nazi, Holocaust, bad. So my question is why do we cling to that? Is it because our minds have become conditioned to that connection because it's more relevant and recent? Maybe. Does that mean we'll always relate it to that? That's where I'm standing. Is it because of it's history? Perhaps.

This whole little rush of thoughts came to me because I was looking at an upside down triangle and found myself involuntarily relating it to something impure. Not sure where I ever got that idea. So I questioned myself "Why am I associating it to something vaguely bad when I can create my own interpretation?" I can say I painted this piece of an upside down triangle because to me it means I'm a tiny spec in comparison to the immensity of the universe, but when I look up, the universe looks back at me and it's as if that's all that exists for that moment. The focus and connection between me and the vastness of all that is above. Does that shed new light?

(I did research and found it was used in WWII by Nazi's to identify gays. Frankly, I'm not surprised it's linked to that era. That's when they considered it to be related to something "bad" that's outdated now though. I hope we can all agree on that.)

I'm not saying let's bring back the Swastika as the new peace sign, just using it as an example. Maybe this is an obvious realization, but oh well. I didn't realize it till now.

Chapter: Big Butt and A Smile

I've noticed something lately. A lot of people tend to be attracted to other people not for the person they are, but rather a collection of their parts. I know it sounds wordy, but hear me out. How many guys do you know love a big "ass"? Or a full rack? Thick thighs? Brunettes? Redheads? Long legs? How many of you love a nice six pack? Muscles? Cute faces? I personally feel like it falls heavier for guys. Too many times have I heard guys say things like "I love big asses," or "I love girls who cook," I have nothing against their interests, but they affect women by saying such things. Some girls, if not the majority, then begin to adjust themselves in order to appear attractive, but they work in parts.

Guys say they like like big butts, so some girls want to have big butts. Some guys like big breasts, so some women get breast enhancements. There are guys that like a girl simply for her bodily assets. For example, Amber Rose. She's known for her buzz cut head, big ass and breasts (and of course for dating Kanye West, but that's irrelevant). Guys find her attractive because they like her figure, mostly her ass. As well as Kim Kardashian, guys love her butt. The fact that they often blatantly point out what they like makes women sometimes see themselves differently. They begin asserting themselves in portions. They say things like, "I love my legs, but I hate my butt."

See me? They develop a fragmented sense of self that divides the person they are. They become obsessed with perfecting parts of their bodies and forget what these parts create collectively. Don't run just because it makes your legs look better, run because it's good exercise. If you want to work on parts of your body sure, but don't let it make you forget about your entirety.

It just kind of sort of irks me when I hear people say things like "I love tits and asses." Ok? So does that mean you'd want to date that and forget everything else it's attached to?

We have all done it at least once. Whenever we're asked what do you like in the opposite sex or in a partner. "Tall, dark and handsome", "Smart, fit and funny", "Shorter than me, nice body and can cook". We point out things we're attracted to or that we'd like. It's obvious we won't find the "perfect" one, but it's even more obvious that there is no such thing. Like someone for who they are as a whole, not just their body or their sense of humor, but the person they are. Cliché, I don't care.

I hope you could all catch on to the fact that I mean this in a mental perspective/ figurative manner. It was probably redundant to say any of this because it most likely won't change anything, but oh well. It's a blog.

Chapter: Lust

Lust; such a sinful temptation. Blinds the eyes of those who love and causes great harm to those they love. Remember, love over lust. "You're human which means you'll be tempted, but never choose the one you lust over the one you love."

Chapter: Idk

Creative chapter title huh? I know.

I have never minded someone looking up to me, or liking things I do or the way I am. I'm not praising myself, don't get ahead of me, but what does bother me, is someone becoming just like me, slowing changing themselves, and each adjustment is closer to the kind of person I am. I'm not trying to be a creep, (excuse me if what I'm about to say is total creep material) but I analyzed this person and how they truly are, and what they are becoming is pretty hypocritical. Saying one thing, and doing the other. Liking things I like, beginning to do things I do. I know people are going to be like me, or have similarities with me in my future, I get that, but this person, it's just bothering me. You may be thinking, "Well Marlene, why don't you just get to know the person? Maybe you'd be great friends." EEeerrrghh! (Car screeching to a halt) Truth be told, I am not very fond of this person and their actions. I know no one will ever be me, vice versa, no matter how hard we may try, we will always be our own person. Maybe I just don't like this person and I'm bothered that they have similar interests as me? Or maybe this goes even deeper? I don't know. This post was kind of personal, but still vague. I like being ambiguous. It's like I'm being personal, but I'm not. Ha.
Any who, I will conclude this random post with a quote.

"You were born an original, so don't die a copy."

(anonymous)

Forgot who said it, but props to him/her.

Chapter: Talk To Me

You know what I miss? I miss talking to someone in person, and actually engaging in conversation stimulated by any thought that travels through our minds. I miss late night phone conversations about anything, that always broke night. I miss the undivided attention. Speaking through a social network or an instant-messaging system is just not as fulfilling. The physical presence of someone can not be duplicated, well at least the feeling it conveys. I'm not trying to whine or anything, but I feel like technology has kind of gotten in the way of things. People are so distracted nowadays, and it's nothing bad, I love reading articles about anything new and exciting or interesting, but I feel like the inquisitiveness of getting to know someone has dwindled. The eye contact, that look as if trying to reach your soul. Perhaps when you're in constant communication with someone it turns into routine rather than a genuine yearning to speak to them. Or maybe you just know them already? I don't know, I guess I'm just nostalgic.

Chapter: Recycled Thoughts

I'm sitting here waiting for my dad to drive me back to school. Sitting here I realize I think about the wrong things too much, not necessarily wrong, but redundant. I recycle my thoughts Ooo and it's wearing my mind out. What happened to exploring and wondering about other cool things. I recently learned that what we know can limit what we imagine. True isn't it? I know too many facts and it's stifling my creativity. My recent art is only secreted emotions onto a canvas. What happened to new ideas or crazy thoughts. I don't know, I just know what I need to stop thinking about, it's engulfing my mind.

Chapter: Proud Buffalo Soldier

If I was to document the thoughts that run through my mind, there wouldn't be enough paper.

If I was to type it all down for all of you to see, my nows would occupy my laters.

That was going to be a poem, but I can't focus because I have Barracka Flocka Flame -Head of the State stuck in my head. So yeah, about that...

What's going on world? or whoever's reading this? Been a while, I know you missed me. Just kidding, I don't have an ego like that (or do I?) Hm, just found what I'm going to talk about. Pride.

Does pride get in the way of things or what? It's crazy that someone can hold on so dearly to their pride, rather then fess up and admit they were wrong. You're just making yourself look stupid and confirming my belief that you truly are an idiot. Do you love yourself that much, that it blinds you from seeing what you're really doing? That you're throwing the wr

ong sauces into this dish and just gonna send yourself straight to the bathroom once you're finished eating it. What am I saying? Moving on.

Bob Marley was the man. He worked for me when I was a child and apparently for this little kid too.

The power of reggae is some powerful stuff.

Do you think marijuana should be legalized? Medical marijuana? Let me know your opinion, it's about time I started interacting with my readers.

Chapter: Those Days

Missing the days when the sun came out to play,

When burning rubber on bikes always made my day.

When power rangers in the morning got me all siked,

But Gargoyles at ten made my morning start out right.

When the world wasn't scary, but just a jungle to explore,

When playing outside was my one and only chore.

When ignorance didn't exist, just true pure innocence,

When cartoons were bliss, and candy equivalent.

When waking up early wasn't so hard,

Because I woke up excited to trade my Pokemon cards.

When evil didn't exist and people were nice,

When my house always smelled like chicken, beans, and rice.

When boys had cooties, but yet were my best friends,

When t-shirts, jeans and sneakers were the only trend.

When playing in the dirt was more natural than breathing,

When I would try to keep my eyes open while sneezing.

Missing the days when the sun came out to play,

Missing those days,

Sigh, let's go back to yesterday.

Chapter: Influencers

INFLUENCERS TRAILER from R+I creative on Vimeo.

INFLUENCERS is a short documentary that explores what it means to be an influencer and how trends & creativity become contagious today in music and fashion.
Directed by Paul Rojanathara and Davis Johnson, the film is a Polaroid snapshot of New York influential creatives (advertising, design, fashion and entertainment) who are shaping today's pop culture.

I want better influencers out there, positive ones. Non-illuminati influencers. Jay-Z needs to be overthrown.

Chapter: Lazy Bums

(When I publish long posts, my blog likes to spontaneously change the fonts on me. It has a mind of it's own. Don't mind the font variations.)

People are always so appalled by what they see going on in the world. For example, the crisis going on in Northern Uganda with the rebel Lord's Resistance Army. It has been going on since 1986, and has caused widespread insecurity and humanitarian catastrophes in northern Uganda and the neighboring countries of South Sudan, the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), and the Central African Republic. It's known as the Invisible War. Children are being ripped from their homes, and forced to become child soldiers. Nine-year old boys are given guns, to defend a rebel army, by force. We read this and see pictures and just think, oh what a shame that those types of things are happening in the world, I wish I could do something about it. For many of us, that's where the thought ends. I wish.

People are intimidated by the issues going on in the world, so much that it pushes them into a hole where they believe that they alone cannot do anything about it. Thinking things like, I can't get involved in something like that, it's too complicated. If that were the mindset of everyone in the world, since the beginning of ever, where would we be? I'd rather not imagine it.

"In the spring of 2003, three young filmmakers traveled to Africa in search of a story. What started out as a filmmaking adventure transformed into much more when these boys from Southern California discovered a tragedy that disgusted and inspired them, a tragedy where children are both the weapons and the victims.

After returning to the States, they created the documentary "Invisible Children: Rough Cut," a film that exposes the tragic realities of northern Uganda.s night commuters and child soldiers.

The film was originally shown to friends and family, but has now been seen by millions of people. The overwhelming response has been, "How can I help?" To answer this question, the non-profit Invisible Children, Inc. was created, giving compassionate individuals an effective way to respond to the situation."

These boys were influenced by what they encountered, and motivated by the situation enough to actually to do something. The step many of us cut short at. Their care and their drive to help allowed them to establish this non-profit organization that has grown tremendously in the past seven years and has already helped the suffering countries. Isn't that…awesome?

On that note, if you know of an issue that really bothers you when you hear about it, or that your really passionate about, or if your classrooms are really cold and you wish you could get a regulated heating system seeing that you're paying 45K to be there, say something. It takes one voice to say something, and all ears will listen. Then you actually have to put some effort, but hey! It's rewarding.

Someone once said that you can't change the world, but you can change yourself. In changing the world, your changing people one by one. So by changing yourself, you've already started to change the world. Confusing, but it makes sense. =D

So get out there and do something! (That's motivating)

To learn more about Invisible Children and the Invisible War, click here.

Chapter: What's Next

It's gets tiring of never knowing what to expect. When you think your fine, finally stable…there's that mini earthquake you were dreading.

Take it as you wish.

Chapter: Hoax

Cliché but, why do people have to be fake to get by? Why not just be real, and be yourself. It's what I've done throughout my life so far, and I'd say I'm pretty good. Some people like to make themselves appear like someone they are not though, simply to be cool with everyone. What's up with that? Personally, I'm not trying to mess with it, if I ask it's only to understand that mentality. Is it beneficial? Why have people like you for something your not, or is it the real you coming through?

It's confusing to those you are closest to. Frankly, it pushes them away too.

Chapter: The Catch

Nothing is ever easy. Even if you love doing it, if you love it as a whole, it's never easy. There's always a catch. This doesn't mean the catch is always bad, it sometimes doesn't turn out being a drag. I'm being ambiguous aren't I? Let me get specific.

Numero Uno.

Following your heart and going for your dreams. Sounds so pretty doesn't it. Does a $50, 000 school, sound pretty? How about a 50+ hour week to pay off loans? Sound easy? Ha, when you finally reach your dream, sure it'll be nice, but it won't be so smooth the whole way there. Well, for the most of us, there are those ones who get lucky. Psh.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to deter anyone from accomplishing their goals. More power to you. I'm simply using it as an example because most of the time it is not easy. Those who do achieve their dreams, good job. Every case is different though. But the dedication is admirable.

Numeros Dos.

A relationship. You may love each other and have plentiful conversations, and have the times of lives together, but slow down cowboy. What's a relationship without arguments? How will you grow if you have nothing to improve? Arguments aren't fun, (ok maybe a little, sometimes, when it gets that ridiculous, but anyways) there's a lot of tension, viciousness, and things become hectic. I'd like to meet the couple that hasn't bumped heads on something, even if its as minor as leaving your socks on the floor. Not even both of them. Just one. One lonesome random sock. With a piece of gum stuck on it. Equivalent to trash. Ugh, just throw it away, it's partner obviously left it for another sock. But anyways, you build your relationship off these things. In everything, theres a good and bad, a black and white, yin and yang, sweet and spicy, etc. But whoever said the bad can't help the better of the good? Make sense? Probably not.

In a nutshell, more good is always better than a hefty load of bad. So savor those marvelous moments, and don't let them slip away. But once you've tasted sour, the sweets taste even more delicious.

Tip: Talking is wayy more healthier for a relationship than arguing or yelling at each other is, at least I think so. But hey, a sporatic hispanic argument never hurt anyone.

Let's just keep the shoes on our feet.