Chapter: Depth

‎"Mind can be compared to an ocean, and momentary mental events such as happiness, irritation, fantasies, and boredom to the waves that rise and fall on its surface. Just as the waves can subside to reveal the stillness of the ocean’s depths, so too is it possible to calm the turbulence of our mind to reveal its natural pristine clarity." - Kathleen McDonald

Chapter: (࿖) or (࿕)

This has probably been thought of before and maybe I have casually come across it, but never really processed it's meaning, but I think I just had an epiphany. Or revelation. I don't know. But here goes.

Why do we cling so strongly to definitions we have of certain things? Or why do we commit to certain interpretations. Then again we don't, because we wouldn't have interpretations in that case, but rather just one explanation. Hm. My point is, why must one symbol mean something and only something in that general realm of reason. Everything that is has the potential to be dynamic. It's happened before. The Swastika for example, has been used in many ancient civilizations. In Indian religions it is a tantric symbol used to evoke "shakti" the sacred symbol for good luck. At the same time it's a Chinese character used in East Asia representing eternity and Bhuddism. In that case, we associate it to be something good. The right facing counter clockwise version of the Swastika (࿕). Then we have the left facing counter clockwise adaptation (࿖) that's linked to the Nazi Party of Germany in the 1920's whom adopted it as their symbol. And hence the Swastika became thoroughly correlated to Nazism and white supremacism. So now we see anything similar to the fashion of that symbol and we think evil, Nazi, Holocaust, bad. So my question is why do we cling to that? Is it because our minds have become conditioned to that connection because it's more relevant and recent? Maybe. Does that mean we'll always relate it to that? That's where I'm standing. Is it because of it's history? Perhaps.

This whole little rush of thoughts came to me because I was looking at an upside down triangle and found myself involuntarily relating it to something impure. Not sure where I ever got that idea. So I questioned myself "Why am I associating it to something vaguely bad when I can create my own interpretation?" I can say I painted this piece of an upside down triangle because to me it means I'm a tiny spec in comparison to the immensity of the universe, but when I look up, the universe looks back at me and it's as if that's all that exists for that moment. The focus and connection between me and the vastness of all that is above. Does that shed new light?

(I did research and found it was used in WWII by Nazi's to identify gays. Frankly, I'm not surprised it's linked to that era. That's when they considered it to be related to something "bad" that's outdated now though. I hope we can all agree on that.)

I'm not saying let's bring back the Swastika as the new peace sign, just using it as an example. Maybe this is an obvious realization, but oh well. I didn't realize it till now.

Chapter: Hello, It's Me Again

You're right,
your ancient actions are pictures and can be burned,
so I am burning them.
Burning along with the demons that kept them alive.
I seek for our unity and that is what I have found,
been found for a while, but now I am putting it into words.
I will never leave you.
Your tears and disparity showed so much,
showed what you have been trying to show for so long,
and I couldn't see it clearly because I was scared, but now there is no fear.
I have my trust in you, I have my faith in you,
your savior will never leave your side.
I will keep those demons from creeping into your mind,
just how I have made them vanish from mine.
Eternity isn't a measure for our time,
so let's be pure again,
Hello, it's me…
I don't want to see you struggle with memories of hurt.
My love will make them obsolete.
Believe in me.
All I see is you, me, us, we,
So much clarity.
I wish you could truly feel it and see it, do you?
I do.
So let's sway, forever and all the days.
Because it's me again, and I love you.

Chapter: I'm Still Adam

A connection that was tested, but prevailed.

A myth reminiscent of a legend, something like a fairy tale, but true.

I think of you and joy fills my being, but tears shadow the feeling,

for the pain, the hurt that I've caused you.

How do I do this?

How do I show you what I mean, feel, see, am?

You told me "Madam I'm still Adam" and I stood there staring,

asking if it were true.

How could I let that doubt consume me and not be able to reach out to you?

And now you see me and you don't see…me.

You see everything, but the truth.

It pains because that's all I speak to you.

What do I do?

I want to travel the galaxies and swim through the Milky Way,

Discover other universes with you and..sigh.

If only you could step in my shoes and I into yours,

So then we could truly understand to the entire extent of understanding.

I don't know if it makes sense, but I'm just wondering…

What am I to you?

I love you, I hope you truly still love me too.

Chapter: Vespian Stardust

I always wondered why I would always hold on,
I always wondered why the connection was so strong,
It's a celestial creation, created from something beyond heaven.
It feels so real. (lol)
Separated from everything, we are one,
Looking down upon all that goes on,
The stresses don't amount, they don't exist,
They vanish with your presence,
With your voice all there is, is bliss.
A galactic alignment of 2 souls merged as one,
A masterpiece originated from stardust.
And we sway among the galaxies, stopping by the moon,
Sit and speak of dreams and fantasies, that we'll fulfill so soon.
Telepathic connection, the power of a glance,
The protection of your embrace, the security of holding your hands.
The depth of your eyes as you lock with mine,
Forever is an understatement to measure our time.
Vespian encounter started our vespian ways,
Vespian zest to all our vespian days.
<3

Chapter: Sigh

How can I even ask for forgiveness?
Is it deserved?
Sigh.

Chapter: Clarity

Tested times created horrible crimes,
Vulnerability and manipulative, so they entered my mind.
I only wish I could go back and rewind,
And see your genuineness, see your only supposed to be mine.
See it's only us, see it's only right.
Does it matter at all that now I see?
Now I know how it's supposed to be?
Lifelong forever, Penelope.
Vespian trials, please believe in me.

Chapter: Pray With Me

So I sit here now praying.
Praying to God to clear up the skies, to enter our minds.
I'm praying you'll see you're my only hope.
Praying you'll see my honesty.
I ask God for forgiveness, but how can I do that when I can't even forgive myself?
I know what I want, and I know what'll it'll take to get there.
I won't give up though.
I'll accept everything you say, everything you feel, it's only deserved.
A wrong can't go on without being payed for.
So I'm paying, and I'll pay for an eternity if I must.
I ask God for your trust.
I promise, I won't give up.

Chapter: Perfect

I feel like I'm supposed to be perfect. Like those are the expectations people hold of me. One mistake and I am the worst person alive. No matter the apologies, no matter what. My image is tainted along with everything about me. Therefore anything I say is irrelevant. My attempts for progression go unnoticed. What can I do?

Chapter: What Now?

What do you do when your mistakes haunt you? When the one and only thing you've done wrong traces you and follows your every step hindering your every attempt of moving forward. Trying to stay positive, but you're presented these lurking thoughts they have that prevent that. I know. I've been there. What do you say when they don't believe you? When it's clear to you and every single molecule of your being that you only want them. Sigh, I don't understand. I'm human, as are you.
The thought of you sends vibes of love and warmth throughout every crevice of my soul. Shedding light wherever there may lay a shadow. It was only natural for me to experience a numbness at that time. The collective product of all your actions. But it happened and I grew from it. There are no feelings anywhere else. What will it take for you to understand?

Chapter: X

A poisoned subconscious, God knows I don't want this. Thoughts creep to present, my future feels haunted. So what do I do to escape from you? Dark passenger who follows everything that I do. Shadow to my actions, creating an absence of light. Overcasting my day when it hasn't even broken night. Let me go if I can't let go of you, your grasp has me imprisoned, confined in this cell for two. Cell for the future and for the past, tainting my present and every second my smile lasts. Sigh.

Chapter: Vespian Zest

I feel something new, different, exhilarating and comforting. Like the feeling you get when you step in the sunlight after being in the cold air for too long. I feel something growing from this nostalgia, coming back to life better said. Patience nourished the soil it dwelled in as trickles of endearment and intimacy fed it's roots enough to have it bloom, passionately revealing petals of compassion and understanding. The wind whispered wisdoms to keep thoughts moving, forward, hopeful… And it swayed, swayed to the music the fluttering butterflies created as your presence ignited a spark. A spark that brought light to a place where light was obsolete. Unexpected, but surprisingly welcome. Eyes squinted, but adjusted. Now it feeds sunlight to a meadow flourishing with life by an ever flowing stream of tenderness and ardor. Cosmic encounter, galactic alignment, once in a lifetime, vespo.

Chapter: Now Because of Then

The pain chases me as I finalize my decision, even though it’s already been keeping me company. Scared to jump again I recoil into my shell. Bruised and aching from the last time I fell. Haunted by the nightmares, yearning a peaceful dream. I have all of it stored, bursting at the seams, but what do I do? I want, but I don’t want to want. I need, but I don’t want to need. I love, but I don’t want to love. The past lies in the past, but creeps into my present. Even if it’s not happening, despite its irrelevance. The statement makes it simple, but the action leaves me crippled. Kept away, far way, where no wave can come from a ripple. But what are you left with in the end? A friend?..

Chapter: Facebook Anonymous

So I think we're in a pretty cyber dependant era. Not in a sick way, but in a social network way if that makes any sense. I just realized a lot of us have this urge to check our facebooks, twitters or what ever kind of social profile we may have online wayyy too many times in a day. It's become sort of embedded in our daily routines. "I'm bored.." bam, check facebook. "I'm hungry.." bam, update twitter. I'm sure we've all thought about this and even forced ourselves to take breaks from the sites, but they're breaks. We relapse soon enough. I guess it's understandable seeing that we live in a time where a lot of networking is done online, but some of the time we spend online is unecessary. Scrolling down a newsfeed for hours. Telling twitter you're hungry. I know I sometimes go online and keep a tab open to facebook for no real reason, but to check back every five minutes or so. So what I want to know is why. What gives us that urge to check so frequently?

I don't know. Even facebook says people spend 700 billion minutes on it. Not each individual, everyone together. That's thousands of years. Woah. The answer is probably really simple, but I still don't understand. Oh well.

Just a thought.

Chapter: Really?

Tell me if I'm crazy, but aren't people supposed to feel something (even if it's just a little) when they know what they're doing is wrong? Or do they mute their conscience? Like you can't mess up soo many times and say you're still learning when the mistakes are all so similar. I don't get it. How can you do something knowing it's wrong? KNOWING it's off and not right and then they say it's because they're a kid. Kids learn eventually.
Wouldn't you eventually learn disloyalty isn't right? You don't even need to learn it, you feel it. If only people knew what it felt like to experience disloyalty, maybe then they'd understand what they're doing. No judgment really, in all honesty I'm trying to understand how it's wrong for a person to feel upset or bothered when they are deceived. I'm only human you know, as is everyone else, but damn. People make mistakes, but how much can one tolerate?

And just a side question: since when was it morally ok to be disloyal?

Chapter: High Lows

The lows always follow the highs like a shadow. When things feel to good to be true, it's because they are.

Chapter: Vespian Ventures

Rollercoaster of love,
2 years after the push came to shove,
After I chose to jump and take that leap,
While you promised to hold my hand and stay with me.
We flew.
Through the planets and the stars,
Swaying hand in hand healing from past scars.
The meteors came and crashed our journey,
Separating the vehicle because it only seemed deserving,
But mended it became when the attraction unified the parts,
Although cracks still remained in that open wound of a heart.
The wonders never leave and the hauntings stay and linger,
But in-between the nightmares I sometimes dream of a ring on my finger.
"If love is suicide, then lead me to my demise"
I died, but the culprit somehow brought me back to life.
The love adhered our souls, torn and healed,
Words can't describe, just look into our eyes to feel.
New beginning and eternal love,
The invincible kind I know we both dream of.
That's us.

Chapter: Billie X Armstrong Interlude

Chalk on the Walk from Marlene Marmolejos on Vimeo.

Me at the Chalk on the Walk at the May Fair 2011. First try at chalk art, fun day.

Chapter: Charcoal X Hogwarts

Richard Harris Drawing 11x17

By Marlene Marmolejos (me)

Chapter: Breathe

Edward Shapre & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

Chapter: Travelocity

No shine, no touch, no affection.

When’s the last time your thoughts traveled in my direction, and took another step to inquire. To see behind the light that’s produced from this fire. Can’t remember huh? Whereas I visit you as soon as I open my eyes and close them to sleep, along with all the time that lies inbetween. When I speak about issues stressing me, why must you be harsh, to “strengthen me”. The obvious remedy that I seek from thee is a hug, simple act of affection, but instead I get an attitude annoyed by so much, not looking to give me that attention. What is going on? Communication is supposed to keep it strong, but talking is a nuisance now. I want to make things better, but every move is a detonator, so how? What is going on?

Chapter: Bottled Hurricane

Calloused.

I feel like crying, but the heat of my anger evaporates my tears before they even are.

Silent.

I feel like screaming, but the lump in my throat creates a dam only allowing quiet sighs to seep through.

Confused.

I feel like sunny days mean rain, and when it rains I feel the storm travel through my veins to my heart and pumped to my body expelling an energy strong enough to create natural disasters.

But this,

This isn't natural. Or is it natural to have reoccurring images flashing through your mind followed my sullen feelings casting darkness over any source of light you once had? To have any trace of logic you once possessed smeared with emotional digression? One plus one equals heartbreak.

And finally,

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one single glance will fuel enough power to stimulate a spark. So I let the tsunami roar and kill all electricity. I just wish it would take the poison in my subconscious away with it.

Till then, I'm left swaying. Our galactic alignment is both mysterious and beautiful. Once in a lifetime.

Chapter: Big Butt and A Smile

I've noticed something lately. A lot of people tend to be attracted to other people not for the person they are, but rather a collection of their parts. I know it sounds wordy, but hear me out. How many guys do you know love a big "ass"? Or a full rack? Thick thighs? Brunettes? Redheads? Long legs? How many of you love a nice six pack? Muscles? Cute faces? I personally feel like it falls heavier for guys. Too many times have I heard guys say things like "I love big asses," or "I love girls who cook," I have nothing against their interests, but they affect women by saying such things. Some girls, if not the majority, then begin to adjust themselves in order to appear attractive, but they work in parts.

Guys say they like like big butts, so some girls want to have big butts. Some guys like big breasts, so some women get breast enhancements. There are guys that like a girl simply for her bodily assets. For example, Amber Rose. She's known for her buzz cut head, big ass and breasts (and of course for dating Kanye West, but that's irrelevant). Guys find her attractive because they like her figure, mostly her ass. As well as Kim Kardashian, guys love her butt. The fact that they often blatantly point out what they like makes women sometimes see themselves differently. They begin asserting themselves in portions. They say things like, "I love my legs, but I hate my butt."

See me? They develop a fragmented sense of self that divides the person they are. They become obsessed with perfecting parts of their bodies and forget what these parts create collectively. Don't run just because it makes your legs look better, run because it's good exercise. If you want to work on parts of your body sure, but don't let it make you forget about your entirety.

It just kind of sort of irks me when I hear people say things like "I love tits and asses." Ok? So does that mean you'd want to date that and forget everything else it's attached to?

We have all done it at least once. Whenever we're asked what do you like in the opposite sex or in a partner. "Tall, dark and handsome", "Smart, fit and funny", "Shorter than me, nice body and can cook". We point out things we're attracted to or that we'd like. It's obvious we won't find the "perfect" one, but it's even more obvious that there is no such thing. Like someone for who they are as a whole, not just their body or their sense of humor, but the person they are. Cliché, I don't care.

I hope you could all catch on to the fact that I mean this in a mental perspective/ figurative manner. It was probably redundant to say any of this because it most likely won't change anything, but oh well. It's a blog.

Chapter: BlindSight

I got blindsided trying to be more open minded,

Listening to your words I again became misguided,

I looked into your eyes, and thought I saw what I wanted to see,

Truth, desire, want and overall sincerity,

but instead it was the one I hate, unwelcome deceit.

Chapter: Resentment

Forget what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If it doesn’t kill you it leaves you crippled, incapable of functioning the way you once did. My mind is a mess, it’s like it’s infected with something. Critters crawling around in my brain, I itch at the sight of your face, and violently react to the sound of your voice. The anger that has consumed me serves as my muse. I create pieces simply because they allow me to bring to life that which I cannot do in reality. Connect the dots. Do you thrive on the deceit you feed to my soul? Do you prosper with my anguish, is this some sort of masochism? I can’t stand people telling me what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. No, what doesn’t kill you leaves you for dead.

Chapter: Off Future

One thing that really gets me annoyed is potential gone to pure waste. It pains me to see people and places that I love become obsolete and useless. I'm all for change, but let it be productive and positive for yourself and the environment. We all possess personal freedom, but know what you are choosing and what you are deciding to support. What is this with our youth chanting "Kill them all!" Really?

I was recently introduced to OFWGKTA (Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All). Basically a bunch of rapper dudes between ages 16-21 who don't care about anything and rap and stuff. They have variety, but I'm being vague. But yeah, cool, good for them. I listened to them for a few days, mostly because I was angry, but when I began to cool down and had the lyrics rolling off of my tongue, I noticed what I was saying.

Tell your b*tch stop complaining bout her achey tits
A body is a temple - I don't give a f*ck; I'm atheist

-__-, inspiring. I'm all for religious freedom and people have the right to believe whatever they wish to believe, but c'mon. This is what hip hop is coming to? This group is different, that's obvious, but is what they're bringing to the table something we should be praising? Their content usually has to do with rape, "f*cking white b*tches", mutilation, murder, or life generally. Not forgetting homophobia, misogyny, and just extreme violence.
They're different, people like different, but why would a young girl be so enthused by a guy saying..

Moving on to a Jessica, planning to make a mess of herAfter a couple drinks and a session of anal sex with herLike "Hey there, intestines, my cock is erect, next to ya"We the sh*t like what you make, them n*ggas still ain't fresh as us.

No offense to the group, but after those few days, I felt like my IQ dropped a few points, and I was offending myself. But that's just me.

So back to my point. I feel like some of the people I know are growing up and changing, but in my eyes, instead of progressing they're degenerating. Supporting music that in no way represents what they claim to "love" (i.e. soul), and just completely contradict themselves. I'm all for spontaneity, but not when it's running around saying you want to kill people and "burning rubber and f*cking beasts with a burnt d*ck". You're still in high school, probably can't completely fathom what it is you're listening to, and so you categorize it as "swag". Because raping and killing people is attractive and respectable. (I know it's all hypothetical and in theory, but really?) Calm down. These dudes were even afraid of their mom listening to what they were creating. Seriously, see for yourself.

Odd Future's Tyler, The Creator says:

"If you go to any other rapper's show, they just stand there and rap. Rap is really just too conventional. Everybody does the same thing. No one ever pushes the box. And then when you get people pushing the line too far, people are like, 'What the f--- is this?' And then it's like ... 'This is tight, it's new.' We're doing something that no one has ever done before."

I love new music. I respect this group's outlandish approach, but I don't like that it's adding corruption to an already messed up youth.

I'll leave you with some wise words..

"Yo I’m seventeen, already sniffin’ blow. I tell my friends its asthmary time I itch my throat, I got a new show for MTV, Pimp My Boat."

Odd Future, indeed.

Remember, just my opinion.

Chapter: Broken

It hurts when you try so hard to make something better and in return you get the one thing you dreaded. It hurts so much I'm speechless. Feels like an out of body experience, but yet I feel like I was clubbed to death. The effort I put in to make you happy was pointless; you were already somewhere else…again. I feel lost, and I think you're perfectly fine.

Chapter: Selah Sue (Beast)

Chapter: Miss Vintage

The mistress dressed in vintage, kept him hooked-each time was different.

Her figure blinded his eyes, but fit so well; double 20 vision.

So his mind escaped with time and left the one that he was with quick.

Called her on the side, whispered "Love, can we speak for a minute?"

So he went on "Baby your curves are like lightning, I think I need a medic, your words are so enticing,"

His conscience whispered to his mind "Maybe I should end it?"

but his actions repeated time after time, a habit he perfected.

Lustful dreams invaded his core; confused he reckoned "but what about my amor?"

Clueless and naive to the intuitive scenes she would dream, she brushed them aside concluding "no, he's with me."

He loved her, that was not even a question; but his confusion made him lose it, always feeling tempted.

playing in his mind "I've been thinking bout, I've been thinking bout, I've been thinking bout you lately. Thoughts take me to when we were close; addicted to this (lust) feel I need another dose."

So he indulged, never been the same ever since.

An addict leaving the habit reacts so weird when he has to rehab it'

He stopped, but what happens when he sees the poison?

"This girl is cocaine to the brain,"

tempted he's on the verge of going "Cobain"

But he caught himself and saw what he was doing;

feeding his soul; he killed his half with his pursuings'

He figured love is of the essence, lust is temporary presence,

Miss Vintage is always gone, so an encounter is a refreshment;

But amor is the air with the occasional breeze,

taken for granted but it's all he really needs.

So he came back from his walk, to the picnic on the moon,

The embrace of his amor saying "I knew you'd be back soon."

And he felt; this is too special to lose.

Chapter: Balistic Tunes

Keep track of Balistic on his blog as he creates an awesome mixtape with a plethora of artists.

Tune in here.

Chapter: Why

Nothing in this world is ever fair, but what's the reason for that? What is the reason for good genuine souls to get mistreated for only wishing well upon others. For only caring for others. Where is the balance in this world? Lost in an ocean of meretricious digression. Besotted by a life of glamour, freedom, and all the material superficial things you can ask for? But where does that get you? Success? What is success if when you sit down at home, ready for bed, and as you think of your life you begin to notice an overwhelming feeling of a void in it. What is this void? The things that annoyed you in your past, simply saw as a nuisance, and tossed to the side in your pursuit of an easy "successful" life. The feelings that were too complicated for you to deal with so you abandoned them. The feelings that confused you with their authenticity that you preferred to not deal with such purity because you knew the things you did were not worthy of it.

But why cast that cold shoulder to the person caring? You are hurting them and hurting yourself. This person only cares and loves you. Loves you. And by doing this, you showed them they shouldn't love you because you don't appreciate it or recognize it in their actions. You're confusing them and pushing them away. And if you do it just enough, you give them that last push they need, you have just created a void that will accompany you for the rest of your life. That person might stay, might go, but you will always wonder why you feel a certain way when you think about your life.

Years from now you'll ask yourself what's missing. You've got all you could possibly ask for. Keep in mind though, you create your own destiny, so don't be careless.

Chapter: Should I?

Lost part of my sanity. The cost of expression puts you in a vulnerable state. I know what I want to do, but I can not. The consequences are not worth it. I must say though, the pleasure and satisfaction I would receive from it definitely makes me contemplate my steps.