Chapter: Until Then

I wake up every night at 4.05am gasping for reassurance and reaching for reality. These dreams are so real and have my mind split between what is, what might and what will be. The uncertainty is unsettling, I'm sinking with each step I take. Is this the right thing to choose? The right place to be, at the palm of someone's hand, giving them clarity? While you're constantly at threat of another. Always. Forever, the line will be blurred. Your desires step over the morals and selfishly get what they want. While the I'm the only one going through emotional collateral. My soul feels so wounded, battered and weak. I shouldn't posit love when it's rarely returned to me. When deceit is what I get instead. Your words keep playing over in my head, all of them, each with different intentions. I'm left swirling on a marry go round, with the illusion of movement and progression.

Chapter: Child of the Universe

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” -Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

Chapter: What is Life?

I know I've already talked about this, but I seem to be stressed out. I don't know what about college right now is making me feel crazy overwhelmed. I've been thinking a lot lately about what happens after you graduate, how you're tossed into to real world with no real grasp on it and expected to prevail. We're pretty much trapped in debt once we graduate. Student loans have us by the groins and wer'e subject to monthly payments for the next 10-20+ years. -____- That's a little unsettling. Especially when a job isn't even secure. At least one you enjoy. Because there's being employed and then there's being happily employed, where going to work isn't that much of a hassle. It's something to look forward to. Being a person with a huge breadth of interests makes it hard to figure out what I want to work in when I graduate. You know, to have money stably coming in. I love art and design,  but I also love science and medicine. I love research and writing, and I love physics and archaeology/anthropology. Let's not forget event planning and theology. I feel like I don't really get to enjoy what I'm studying in school because I realized the reality of it all. I don't know what'll happen in 2014. (OK true we don't know what'll happen tomorrow, but that's beyond the point.) The uncertainty is frustrating. My brain is split into a number of different directions and I'm a junior.
 THAT'S ANOTHER POINT.
I feel sooo rushed. Going into college right after graduating high school, expecting to know what you want to study is so unrealistic. Really? An 18 year old is going to know what they want to do for the rest of their life at 18 years old. Really? People will say, "Oh, you have time. Do your requirements, you'll figure it out, don't worry." Lies. You are being judged the entire time you spend as an undeclared major. What's up with that? I went from pre-med to studio art in one sitting. I felt incredibly rushed. I don't regret my choice, but I do regret not understanding that I can take a number of different classes that interest me whilst being a studio art major. I was under the illusion that requirements are boring and just something you have to do. Sigh, I was so unaware of it all.

I could say more, but I won't. I'll just ramble on about my frustrations with the education systems and our social construct creating a hierarchy amongst subjects that just screw everything up. Ugh.

Chapter: Late Nights

When I find I can't effectively explain myself or an idea, I've noticed I ask a lot of questions instead of making statements or assertions. I try to recreate the train of thought I traveled on to reach my conclusion for the listener so that they understand what I mean to say, without me really saying it. By answering the questions themselves, they sort of are molding whatever it is I'm imagining. I guess I'd rather have them arrive there on their own.

I know it sounds confusing. Or maybe it makes perfect sense to you. It's these late night reflections at 2:46am that really help you get to know yourself.

Chapter: Sunday Neurosis

We're all flawed, some are temporary compared to others. Lately, I've been in a state that I couldn't even describe. I haven't been doing much with my free time, haven't been completing the many ideas and projects I come up with at all, but yet still felt ok about it because I always thought to myself "I'm gonna complete it someday." When in reality, time keeps passing and days go by and the inspiration and motivation dies off as soon as I'm done visualizing the idea.

I realized I was caring too much about the outcome and the message I was saying that I wouldn't even want to work. I dreaded working on anything because it felt like a burden, Cared too much about it being great, that the part most sacred to me, the process, became the worst. I wasn't enjoying it and gained a lack of focus. We all want to be happy in our lives. We all want to succeed. In order to do that, we must do what we love and enjoy most. I wasn't making art for myself anymore. I worried about what people might think, what they may interpret and it just didn't feel honest.
It was tainted.

I haven't created something that I really feel in such a long time. In order for me to gain control of my life again I need to reconnect with myself. I want to get to know who I am. I was recently asked that question and I was speechless. I had absolutely no idea what to say.

So I guess I'm getting back on my feet again by getting my life together. It's not gonna happen in one day, but I can start. It's on me to keep it going. I only have one life, I should enjoy it while I'm living, doing what I love.