Chapter: Until Then

I wake up every night at 4.05am gasping for reassurance and reaching for reality. These dreams are so real and have my mind split between what is, what might and what will be. The uncertainty is unsettling, I'm sinking with each step I take. Is this the right thing to choose? The right place to be, at the palm of someone's hand, giving them clarity? While you're constantly at threat of another. Always. Forever, the line will be blurred. Your desires step over the morals and selfishly get what they want. While the I'm the only one going through emotional collateral. My soul feels so wounded, battered and weak. I shouldn't posit love when it's rarely returned to me. When deceit is what I get instead. Your words keep playing over in my head, all of them, each with different intentions. I'm left swirling on a marry go round, with the illusion of movement and progression.

Chapter: Child of the Universe

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” -Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

Chapter: What is Life?

I know I've already talked about this, but I seem to be stressed out. I don't know what about college right now is making me feel crazy overwhelmed. I've been thinking a lot lately about what happens after you graduate, how you're tossed into to real world with no real grasp on it and expected to prevail. We're pretty much trapped in debt once we graduate. Student loans have us by the groins and wer'e subject to monthly payments for the next 10-20+ years. -____- That's a little unsettling. Especially when a job isn't even secure. At least one you enjoy. Because there's being employed and then there's being happily employed, where going to work isn't that much of a hassle. It's something to look forward to. Being a person with a huge breadth of interests makes it hard to figure out what I want to work in when I graduate. You know, to have money stably coming in. I love art and design,  but I also love science and medicine. I love research and writing, and I love physics and archaeology/anthropology. Let's not forget event planning and theology. I feel like I don't really get to enjoy what I'm studying in school because I realized the reality of it all. I don't know what'll happen in 2014. (OK true we don't know what'll happen tomorrow, but that's beyond the point.) The uncertainty is frustrating. My brain is split into a number of different directions and I'm a junior.
 THAT'S ANOTHER POINT.
I feel sooo rushed. Going into college right after graduating high school, expecting to know what you want to study is so unrealistic. Really? An 18 year old is going to know what they want to do for the rest of their life at 18 years old. Really? People will say, "Oh, you have time. Do your requirements, you'll figure it out, don't worry." Lies. You are being judged the entire time you spend as an undeclared major. What's up with that? I went from pre-med to studio art in one sitting. I felt incredibly rushed. I don't regret my choice, but I do regret not understanding that I can take a number of different classes that interest me whilst being a studio art major. I was under the illusion that requirements are boring and just something you have to do. Sigh, I was so unaware of it all.

I could say more, but I won't. I'll just ramble on about my frustrations with the education systems and our social construct creating a hierarchy amongst subjects that just screw everything up. Ugh.

Chapter: Late Nights

When I find I can't effectively explain myself or an idea, I've noticed I ask a lot of questions instead of making statements or assertions. I try to recreate the train of thought I traveled on to reach my conclusion for the listener so that they understand what I mean to say, without me really saying it. By answering the questions themselves, they sort of are molding whatever it is I'm imagining. I guess I'd rather have them arrive there on their own.

I know it sounds confusing. Or maybe it makes perfect sense to you. It's these late night reflections at 2:46am that really help you get to know yourself.

Chapter: Sunday Neurosis

We're all flawed, some are temporary compared to others. Lately, I've been in a state that I couldn't even describe. I haven't been doing much with my free time, haven't been completing the many ideas and projects I come up with at all, but yet still felt ok about it because I always thought to myself "I'm gonna complete it someday." When in reality, time keeps passing and days go by and the inspiration and motivation dies off as soon as I'm done visualizing the idea.

I realized I was caring too much about the outcome and the message I was saying that I wouldn't even want to work. I dreaded working on anything because it felt like a burden, Cared too much about it being great, that the part most sacred to me, the process, became the worst. I wasn't enjoying it and gained a lack of focus. We all want to be happy in our lives. We all want to succeed. In order to do that, we must do what we love and enjoy most. I wasn't making art for myself anymore. I worried about what people might think, what they may interpret and it just didn't feel honest.
It was tainted.

I haven't created something that I really feel in such a long time. In order for me to gain control of my life again I need to reconnect with myself. I want to get to know who I am. I was recently asked that question and I was speechless. I had absolutely no idea what to say.

So I guess I'm getting back on my feet again by getting my life together. It's not gonna happen in one day, but I can start. It's on me to keep it going. I only have one life, I should enjoy it while I'm living, doing what I love.

Chapter: Under Construction

Everything is off. Every single little thing is out of sync. What was, no longer is and I'm left with an unrequited emotion that haunts me. Time is the remedy. Of course it bothers me you don't care. I know anything I feel is irrelevant to you. I was an idiot to ever think otherwise. Of course you do good now. You're on point now. You can see clearly now. But you don't see the effects you leave on other people. You directly effected me. Continuously when you thought I shouldn't care. Not like you. You wrecked havoc. Complete havoc and then you leave to make yourself better. Cool. Whatever casualties occurred aren't your problem. Should have always kept that wall up. Didn't know what it was there for, but it was there for a reason. I get it now. I can't help but feel resent. Not like you care. Words I say are just blown away by the wind. With no record of ever being there. If only time passed faster so all these feelings could just die and be gone. I hate them.

Chapter: Message Read

When the fear of a threat inhibits you from saying what you may feel, it's not right. If what you do is seen as wrong and detrimental to the other, although it makes sense to you, its not right. If they're so quick to mention it, that means you've always been an option. But in reality isn't that what we are? What keeps you with that person, what is holding you to them? It seems so scary to change what has been in your life for so long, but I guess thats what happens when clashing is routine. Its almost like I can't write. I can't say what I really feel. Theres a lack of understanding in the connection there is or was if what I do makes you change your mind so quickly. I don't think we ever do things to intentionally harm the other, we are just ourselves. The person we are. You do things that seems fitting to you, and I ask. It's not my intention to destroy everything. It's my intention to understand so I can leave it alone. But I guess I'm also guilty of not listening. So the matter lies in the air.

I don't like threats, the yelling and the shunning. But I get it. Messaged received.

Chapter: A Fit Destruction

I hate the feeling of containment as an artist. What kind of crap is that. Ugh. Sometimes I feel like exploding and just running outside with a paint can and throwing it on everything in sight. I like to create and I enjoy destroying. Its a weird mix, but thats life really. We live and create our lives through the experiences we have and we most of the time destroy it with the choices we make. Naturally. May seem like a leap of an assertion, but....this is my blog. I can say whatever I want.
So yeah, feeling pressured and just so recluse have my mind doing somersaults. It's freaking making me nauseous. All the things like is mixed with. It's such a concoction of sweet and sour that I am forever in a state of awkward. I never know what to do, what to expect, how to react or how to go about it. I just analyze and observe, almost in awe of what this world is full of. (Insert your own idea of what world is made up of here.) It's just weird. But it can be beautiful. On really rare occasions. Under a certain lighting. On a foggy day. Around 3am.

Chapter: I'm Too Frustrated to Name This Post

I don't have many issues, if any. Those I do have are generally kept under control. Still, I manage to feel like utter worthless crap somedays strictly out of the blue. Maybe it's not so random seeing as I've educated myself enough to know that any kind of happiness or pleasure is from an over casted plague of complacency we are all victims to. Sounds rough, but is there really any other way to put it? What's the point of sugar coating anything nowadays? It's as if we are asking to be kept under this veil of ignorance. Sure, ignorance is bliss, without any doubt, but is it a blissful feeling realizing we are all mindless drones being pushed through some sort of system under the illusion of free will? It's unsettling when we fully comprehend it. Why is it so hard to succeed? Better yet, why is it so much easier to sit down and watch a movie, rather than focus that attention towards something I don't know productive, fulfilling. I could go on to mention my disdain towards people after reading several posts on Facebook and twitter, but then I would have to call myself a hypocrite. I find myself stuck deep inside some funk that has got me tied down by every hair on my body. Or at least it feels that way. I feel lazy and distracted to do what I love. I step outside of my body and try to witness myself from a different perspective, and I think that is what has me in this bitter mood. I'm under a content facade that living like this is ok. But when I go to correct myself, the most random weight sits itself on my body and it's as if I am physically incapable to do something. At all. So I lay on my bed falling right back into a hole of expediency.

So here I am. Typing and still not doing. I could say a lot more, but I won't.

Chapter: Scoop of Truth

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